Enoch (
warriorscribe) wrote in
snowblindrpg2017-07-07 03:14 pm
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[network] @Enoch; video; Day 257 [open] [cw: death talk, probably; suicidal ideation]
[The video opens on a plastic shopping bag, full to straining with rations and bottles of water, an entire week's worth crammed into one little bag, swaying on his arm as he walks. He sounds...well, scared. He's trying to play it off as angry, but it isn't working.]
Well, I suppose I ought to thank you for not leaving me with nothing...
[And the camera comes back up to his face, half-covered in his pastel yellow blanket-scarf and shadowed by the hoods of his cloak and raincoat. His eyes, at least, are frightened and pained.]
But really, Eve, must you use those machines to control my actions? It's entirely too much like being possessed and you surely know I have been. [A sigh, heavy and wavering.] Please, please, if you're going to deny me this, please tell me you revived Beckett, too.
Beckett... [his voice goes soft and he slows, coming to a stop for a few seconds in the snow. His head hangs and for a moment his face is entirely obscured from view. He leans on a building - the house with hot water - but does not go in.] ...Please don't be gone forever. Please let us meet again. I don't want it to be the same as it was with Clayton, I want to see you again!
I'm sorry, I couldn't save you. I tried, I tried, but I couldn't-... [his voice breaks and he keeps moving. He's heading for the school, but that won't be visible for some time yet. For now, the surroundings become the empty field around it.]
Brian, I'm sorry. Angel, Rhys, you too, forgive me. You love him too and I failed him. [His voice hitches again, but he's exerting himself too much to actually stop and cry.]
Right, I'm-...recording for everyone, I-... I'm sorry, I'm alive. I can't seem to control what I say or write but I'm alive. And I don't know yet that it's worth it that I am.
[That last bit, under his breath, might have been lost on the wind to those not paying close attention. He continues his walk towards the school, only silent in the effort of moving forward. It is occasionally punctuated by complaints about the cold and the way the plastic bag's handles bite into his arm even through his coat's sleeve, when he pauses for even a moment.]
((ooc: Because Enoch lacks any sort of communication filter, he may comment on text posts running concurrently with audio/video posts, including inbox and filtered posts. Let me know if you do NOT want him bringing up any other threads or commenting on yours in others!))
Well, I suppose I ought to thank you for not leaving me with nothing...
[And the camera comes back up to his face, half-covered in his pastel yellow blanket-scarf and shadowed by the hoods of his cloak and raincoat. His eyes, at least, are frightened and pained.]
But really, Eve, must you use those machines to control my actions? It's entirely too much like being possessed and you surely know I have been. [A sigh, heavy and wavering.] Please, please, if you're going to deny me this, please tell me you revived Beckett, too.
Beckett... [his voice goes soft and he slows, coming to a stop for a few seconds in the snow. His head hangs and for a moment his face is entirely obscured from view. He leans on a building - the house with hot water - but does not go in.] ...Please don't be gone forever. Please let us meet again. I don't want it to be the same as it was with Clayton, I want to see you again!
I'm sorry, I couldn't save you. I tried, I tried, but I couldn't-... [his voice breaks and he keeps moving. He's heading for the school, but that won't be visible for some time yet. For now, the surroundings become the empty field around it.]
Brian, I'm sorry. Angel, Rhys, you too, forgive me. You love him too and I failed him. [His voice hitches again, but he's exerting himself too much to actually stop and cry.]
Right, I'm-...recording for everyone, I-... I'm sorry, I'm alive. I can't seem to control what I say or write but I'm alive. And I don't know yet that it's worth it that I am.
[That last bit, under his breath, might have been lost on the wind to those not paying close attention. He continues his walk towards the school, only silent in the effort of moving forward. It is occasionally punctuated by complaints about the cold and the way the plastic bag's handles bite into his arm even through his coat's sleeve, when he pauses for even a moment.]
((ooc: Because Enoch lacks any sort of communication filter, he may comment on text posts running concurrently with audio/video posts, including inbox and filtered posts. Let me know if you do NOT want him bringing up any other threads or commenting on yours in others!))
voice; private
I was just going to tell you to not be so hard on yourself.
I'm sure your friends wouldn't blame you for what happened.
video; private
[He may have trailed off there had he been normal, but...]
That's part of having free will. There was always another choice. We all take it for granted, but after living for so long with those who don't have that freedom, it's so much clearer to me, the impact of what I choose to do. If I'd tried another approach, gone for its hands or tried to draw attention to myself to spare him, would he have lived?
video; private
Your companion has free will as well. It was his will to curl around those computer chips. I doubt there was much you could have done in the heat of the moment to prevent that.
video; private
[Someone was bound to see him break down under the stress of repeating a thought his mind already refused to let go of. That someone happens to be chaos. He reaches the school shed he was aiming for and leans on the door, trying to compose himself, compelled to attempt to voice his thoughts, and failing as his own tears interfere.]
voice; private
So he says nothing but the sound of his breathing and moving around indicates he is still there, still listening and watching for Enoch can speak again.]
video; private
Finally, after struggling to stop, knowing there was someone listening, waiting for him, he manages a coherent thought as he closes the door, leaving him in the dark.]
I wasn't able to apologize... I was asleep or disoriented until the thing attacked. And now it may be too late.
voice; private
video; private
I went to find him after Quark died; I knew I would fall apart, and speaking with him has brought me such peace before. But it wasn't enough. I was already breaking, and I only hurt him by being there at my worst... I hurt him, I hurt him and never was able to apologize...
[He is visibly struggling not to start crying again. For now, the idea of hurting Beckett looms so large in his mind the fact that it was physical pain escapes mention - the pain itself matters more than its form.]
voice-video; private
When the camera clicks on it shows a slight youth with dark skin, silver hair and translucent eyes that brim with melancholy.]
If you need to cry then don't hold back your tears for my sake.
I think....it's important you feel pain. Just reflect on it as it comes.
Feel how deep it goes and how potent it is. Then...simply by knowing it....it won't have so much power and you can go on living.
Feel your sorrow, acknowledge it, and let it pass...
video; private
It's reluctant, at first, and then it comes out in slow, shuddering sobs, mostly silent as he dredges it up from deep inside. The tablet falls to his side and he sinks to his knees, and all that chaos will hear of him is the indistinct wet shivery sounds that escape him. Eventually, it ends. Enoch shifts, brings the tablet up to a strained, but controlled face.]
I'm sorry to make you wait. It's difficult to allow myself to do that. I don't want to worry people or upset them, or-...or be told something that hurts even more.
video; private
We all need to express grief sometimes, Enoch. Please don't worry about being judged for something like that.
People worry because they care about you. Empathy, it's....
...It binds us.
[A flash of pain crosses his expression for a brief moment, then it's gone.]
video; private
[He almost misses it in pausing to rub his eyes, that change in expression. Almost. But he didn't, and in his current state, he can't leave it be.]
Like now- it's- this has reminded you of something. A loss, like I'm suffering? I'm sorry.
video; private
[He'll admit it.]
Doesn't everyone? I think anyone with a consciousness also has things that weigh on their hearts, like certain memories.
I don't mind being reminded. It's important to remember.
video; private
[His tablet makes a notification sound, and his eyes widen, lips curving in a breathless smile, as if asking if he dares to hope.]
Beckett! He's-he's alive! I'm sorry, chaos, I must speak with him. I'll return soon.
[Of course, it's a public conversation so it's not like he's leaving, is it? Network communication doesn't always map neatly onto in-person conventions...]
video; private
I'm done. That was not what I expected... Are you still there, chaos?
video; private
Mm.
[Enoch's voice sounds different. The frantic note is gone.]
...Did you find the answers you sought?
[chaos had been watching the conversation on his own end, of course, how could he not?]
video; private
Answers. An interesting way to phrase that. I'm not sure "answers" is what I sought, exactly. But I know that he is alive. That is...enough, for now. More than I could have dared to hope for. He isn't quite himself, but that's ordinary here. It will pass.
video; private
The two of you are close, aren't you?
video; private
[The sound of him typing a text message is now present throughout...pretty much everything.]
Close? Yes, I've never had a friend like him. I'm so lucky to have met him... Just speaking with him - under normal circumstances, I mean - brings me peace of mind. And him, too, I think. I should hope. It's helped us before, after this place has hurt us.
video; private
I'd like to hope that everyone can find a friend like that.
I'm sure your presence brings him peace too, Enoch, even if he never mentions it.
video; private
[Type type type, sorry chaos you're half of two conversations happening at once and he doesn't know how to focus-jump yet to avoid talking about conversations that aren't the current one. Two conversations happening at once is still a fairly new thing for him in the first place.]
There's nothing more important than having a bond like that. Having someone you know will be there - it's how I stayed sane for three centuries in my world and it's how I've stayed sane here.
video; private
Is something still wrong?
[He asks the question with a smile.]
video; private
[He's smiling now, too.]
But I'm also not the only one meeting his current state with patience and understanding.